Shout-out to my fellow anxiety ridden readers! We made it through Christmas and if you made it without tears then a huge “Congrats” to you. I did not. I wanted to make simple excuses for it. “I hate crowded bars.” “I was tired.” “People wear me out.” I definitely said these things as part of my desperate attempt to redeem my falling apart or explain to a calm person why I wasn’t. The funny thing is…when I don’t actually address the reason…I usually feel haunted by that moment until I do. Like my subconscious is some fairy godmother pouting over my shoulder and poking me with her wand whispering, “What’s really the matter, dearie?”
SOOOoooo…I stared into the oblivion, read a book sat by the coast and listened to the crashing of waves…all while being poked by that glittering wand of honesty. “FINE!”, I thought, and after some processing I figured out what I didn’t want to admit.
I was surrounded by family and friends of someone I love. People that I mostly enjoyed and seem to function better than my family ever did. I’m scared. (I resisted saying that I “was” scared, because I’m still in it.) I’m scared because I have something to lose. I’ve been a somewhat stone-like woman for a while now. I worked all the time, slept around, went out whenever I could, was available at a moments notice. I knew that if something fell through I could fill it. I was so detached I wasn’t even present to myself. It’s why I couldn’t figure out where to go or what to do. Thankfully, life lit a fire to the set that I had created for my life show and I had to make some real choices. I had to be present.
I haven’t had much of a family to fall back on in a long time, so being introduced to that environment again was certainly amazing…but it was also terrifying. Losing a family once was enough. Hell, it was too much for a while. The idea that I could get close to one again and lose them…while it may be a tad ridiculous to think so grandly…it freaked me out. I cried on and off up until and after I realized what scared me. I’m still healing and breaking down walls, and will continue to do so for a while. In order to keep that going, I need to get to the bottom of and be honest with myself about these breakdowns in communication with myself and others. Hopefully, if you have similar feelings, this can bring some catharsis. It’s weird to learn, but you are deserving and capable of love.